Incoming message was in my uni alumni group this afternoon. I have received countless messages of condolences since the number of COVID-19 cases soared. I'm getting used to it. But, this time I got the beatdown mentally and emotionally. The sun out there was sparkling cheerful, but that afternoon suddenly became cloudy in my room when the message was telling my professor had passed away. I have never been this deeply grieved by any departure. I bursted into crying, spent 2 hours to pull myself together. Ah, I haven't cried in a long time.
To me he is not just a professor. He's one of a few sincerest people I've ever met in my life by far. He was the one who reached me out and helped me through the tough times when no one did, not even my supervisors. I was depressed by my thesis research that time. I lost a few kilos. I failed my research and had to start all over again. I had bad insomnia. I worked like a dog in lab just to pull through. I was on the edge of my sanity.
I remember that morning was my first visit to his office. That was the very moment I knew he was the right person I could run to. I have that 'pyschic radar' when it comes to vibing lol. I know not much, but I know energy. I know when it's genuine, when it's fake. And I knew he was a genuine one. He welcomed me and his first words were: What's your name? I let him know my name. And he with a friendly smiling was saying that his daughter had the same name like mine. He wasn't in a leisure time that morning, but he wanted to take the time to listen to my complaints, let me be broken down, and fragile for a moment. Since then he became my 'morale supervisor'.
He was the mentor I would talk to regularly, to keep my sanity in check. He was the reiki master whom my friends and I visited every weekends to get therapeutic session. And he loved doing these all with no condition. We all could feel his sincerity, warmth, and compassion. He literally assisted me. I'm one of a few luckiest for knowing him personally.
My biggest regret is I didn't visit him before I moved back to Jakarta for good. And I didn't get to see him before his very last breath, but he's always been the sweetest for leaving me his legacy: share the compassion and kindness with other people with no condition.
May Allah pour all His loves upon this beautiful soul...
I opened up my personal email today, as I do everyday. I found how messed up my inbox. In real life, I've never been a neatest person. I leave my books, clothes, mug, stationary, here and there in my room. But I do regular cleaning myself. I never let anyone...anyone...that includes my parents to clean my mess because it will make me difficult to locate my things. I will notice any little 'unauthorized' changes in my room and I will get annoyed lol.
Well..so there was a thin grey banner tallying the number of accumulated gigabytes in my basic (and free) Gmail account. 86% of 15G used. For sometime I had thought to deep clean my inbox until today I needed to archive a few videos and photos. Hence, I went back through my old emails to sort and remove them. And I found a pile of my old emails to him from 2012 to 2017.
There were times when we used email to communicate. Often I had a hard time telling my thoughts to him in a spoken way rather than written.
Going back through the emails makes me realize that, as years passed by, there are many pieces of memory about us that have been faded away, and even vanished completely. It was surprisingly emotional nonetheless.
I couldn't recall the feelings of loving him and being loved. I still can't even after I've read the closing of every email that I wrote "I love you more". I cant recall what I felt when he wrote "You bring out the best in me". I can't recall What it felt like when his fingers interlocked mine. I can't recall the heart beats when he held me tightly. I can't recall what I felt when we talked and laughed as he took me for a London short tour over a video call. I can't recall what I felt when we spent the night by having deep conversation until the dawn, only two of us, in a room.
I questioned and a little bit taunted myself how could I be so in love with this person for eight years. How could I endure the hardship of loving someone so deeply.
Back in those days, I could've left him and been in a more prospective relationship. I had that chances. A lot. And now I'm kinda like regret it "what the hell did you do???Oh, you was so wasted" lol.
I think what I did was loyalty, but looking back what i did and what he did, loyalty means idiocy. I see the old me was so boring..being loyal is boring. It was lame that i gave my trust for him to break it. It wasnt something worth to show off. It's more like a shame.
But, a toxic trait of mine I guess, keeps telling that what I did was loyalty and it was fine. Even if it was an idiocy, I did the right thing. At least I didnt cheat on him, I didnt hurt him. I gave him what I could give. I kept forgiving him, tried to trust him again no matter how disgusted i was and took him back despite what he had done.
My anger has died out long time ago. Now Im pondering. Would I be able to love someone even better? Would I recognize love?
I dont think I still have the energy to spend the rest of my times trying to fall in love all over again. Even if I fall in love with someone, I dont think i can recognize it. And worse is, just thinking the idea of starting relationship got me anxious already lol.
Well hello Putri! It's been ages! You've changed so much, in good and bad ways. The good ones are you manage to survive this far despite the raging storm Alhamdulillah, you're well aged - no obvious wrinkles and you still look younger than your real age (thanks to the oriental genes), you play archery and chess better - at least that Indian IT guy finally admitted it lol, you manage to keep your cool and sanity in check, you pray better, you're more forgiving, and the best is you love yourself more than before.
And the bad ones? Given what you've been through, the bad ones are unavoidable. The cynical you, the blunt you, and the commitment issue, the overthinking. You can forgive yourself. Oh you get your hypersensitivity back as well after all those years. It's fine. We can fix and improve them later.
So, what has stressed you out lately?
The overthinking on political and social issues. All of my simple analytical predictions from the very beginning of the pandemy are occurred now...all of them, literally! How could they, people in power, the policy makers, didn't see it coming? They make joke out of the pandemy from the very start. They don't close the borders - a very simple logic they can't comprehend. And now they have the audacity to say the situation is under control while many are exhausted getting in the long line for oxygens, waiting endlessly for hospital treatment which lead many are dead untreated. The worst is, they start to privatize the vaccination programs. Truly, the pandemy has revealed the real face of people, their true characters. It's not the viruses that cause suffering. It's not the viruses that wreak havoc the economy. It's the corrupt people in power, the brutal capitalists, it's self centered, two faced, arrogant people, it's f us.
While I was mentally and emotionally drained by the overthinking, long story short a wise dark and tall British-Bangladeshi guy whom I met randomly on internet a few months ago responded to my voice messages. He reminded me to be tawakkul. I myself have been struggling to practice tawakkul for years. He suggested me to focus on my local area since I have no influence or power to do something more impactful for mass, to better do something beneficial to the closest people. To always question "what's the point" in the first place when i get overthinking. To me, that's kind of a good slap making me come to my sense.
A brief about him, I could recognize him being genuinely nice from the very start I read his mesmerizing poems. Oh yea he's a talented poet with provoking thought. As I know he helps many of his social media followers by literally assisting them through their struggles. He demonstrates that act of kindness can be borderless. Another bright side of the pandemy I finally see. A person like him must have been through a lot as strong mentality isn't born, it's forged. No matter what the hardships he's been through, I hope he always remembers that he's blessed and we are here for him in bad and good. Well, I'm a bad advisor - I deliberately remove the skill after one 'accident', I lost for words often, but at least I'm a good listener. Often people actually know what they have to do, they just want to be heard, a shoulder to lean on, encouragement.
He also suggested me to restart blogging, a therapeutic writing. It's been ages since the last time I wrote my journal. So, here I am. Yes i am a writer, but most of the time I dont write about myself. In the future, I might get cringed out reading what I wrote today lol. But here it is I start my current therapy.
I believe that God spreads His noor of hidayah through diverse ways. Through the natural disasters, the breakup, a bypasser who helps you with direction, a stranger whom you meet on internet, a stray cat you encounter on the street. The unexpected moments. We, by His will would recognize it. And those who are used by God to spread the light, you're lucky and blessed.
