I opened up my personal email today, as I do everyday. I found how messed up my inbox. In real life, I've never been a neatest person. I leave my books, clothes, mug, stationary, here and there in my room. But I do regular cleaning myself. I never let anyone...anyone...that includes my parents to clean my mess because it will make me difficult to locate my things. I will notice any little 'unauthorized' changes in my room and I will get annoyed lol.
Well..so there was a thin grey banner tallying the number of accumulated gigabytes in my basic (and free) Gmail account. 86% of 15G used. For sometime I had thought to deep clean my inbox until today I needed to archive a few videos and photos. Hence, I went back through my old emails to sort and remove them. And I found a pile of my old emails to him from 2012 to 2017.
There were times when we used email to communicate. Often I had a hard time telling my thoughts to him in a spoken way rather than written.
Going back through the emails makes me realize that, as years passed by, there are many pieces of memory about us that have been faded away, and even vanished completely. It was surprisingly emotional nonetheless.
I couldn't recall the feelings of loving him and being loved. I still can't even after I've read the closing of every email that I wrote "I love you more". I cant recall what I felt when he wrote "You bring out the best in me". I can't recall What it felt like when his fingers interlocked mine. I can't recall the heart beats when he held me tightly. I can't recall what I felt when we talked and laughed as he took me for a London short tour over a video call. I can't recall what I felt when we spent the night by having deep conversation until the dawn, only two of us, in a room.
I questioned and a little bit taunted myself how could I be so in love with this person for eight years. How could I endure the hardship of loving someone so deeply.
Back in those days, I could've left him and been in a more prospective relationship. I had that chances. A lot. And now I'm kinda like regret it "what the hell did you do???Oh, you was so wasted" lol.
I think what I did was loyalty, but looking back what i did and what he did, loyalty means idiocy. I see the old me was so boring..being loyal is boring. It was lame that i gave my trust for him to break it. It wasnt something worth to show off. It's more like a shame.
But, a toxic trait of mine I guess, keeps telling that what I did was loyalty and it was fine. Even if it was an idiocy, I did the right thing. At least I didnt cheat on him, I didnt hurt him. I gave him what I could give. I kept forgiving him, tried to trust him again no matter how disgusted i was and took him back despite what he had done.
My anger has died out long time ago. Now Im pondering. Would I be able to love someone even better? Would I recognize love?
I dont think I still have the energy to spend the rest of my times trying to fall in love all over again. Even if I fall in love with someone, I dont think i can recognize it. And worse is, just thinking the idea of starting relationship got me anxious already lol.
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